Forgiveness

This essay was recently published in the Sacramento News and Review

Tariq Khamisa, a 20 year old college student was delivering pizzas when he was confronted by a 14 year-old boy. The boy, Tony Hicks, demanded a pizza. When Tariq refused, Tony shot him in the chest. Tariq died in the delivery car.

This past weekend, at the Sun Valley Spiritual Film Festival, I met Tariq’s father, Azim. Listening to him was a remarkable experience. After learning of his son’s death, Azim spent time in meditation. Informed by his Moslem faith, he realized that he had to forgive Tony. He knew that for his own sake, he needed to let go of his resentment and anger toward Tony. He also realized that Tony was a victim. He decided to fight, not against Tony, but against the influences that led Tony to do what he did. Azim met with Tony’s grandfather and guardian, Ples. Azim, a Muslim, asked Ples, a Christian, to work with him to end the escalating spiral of youth violence. For over 10 years now, they have been teaching forgiveness and nonviolence in schools.

Azim and Ples are featured in the film, “The Power of Forgiveness.” Prior to its television debut, this film is being shown in a few select locations, including Blacksburg, Virginia, the home of Virginia Tech. The film features Thich Nhat Hanh, Desmond Tutu, Marianne Williamson and other spiritual leaders. It also highlights the struggle to forgive embodied by the Amish community that was recently devastated by a mass murder in an Amish school.

When watching the film this past weekend, I realized that forgiveness is a learned skill. And that for many of us is not learned well. We don’t really understand forgiveness. Many of us think that if we forgive somebody, we must refrain from punishing or we must allow the other to continue to harm us. Or we think we must forget the infraction.

From a spiritual perspective, forgiveness is an internal act on the part of someone who feels they have been wronged. When I forgive someone, I say no to the voice inside of me that screams for retaliation. I strive to let go of the anger and resentment I hold toward them. And I refuse to look at them solely through the lens of how they have wronged me. To withhold forgiveness, to harbor anger, is like drinking poison in the hope that the other would be harmed. It only hurts me.

We desperately need to learn and practice forgiveness. We need to learn to respond non-violently in our increasingly violent world. We are fortunate to have models of forgiveness like Azim Khamisa. I am grateful for our religious traditions that teach forgiveness. And I am grateful that I belong to a religious community that is a lovely training ground for forgiveness.