Premarital Sex

“What is your position on premarital sex?” It isn’t like this is a completely unusual question for a priest to be asked. However, this was someone I had never met and who had never been to my church. And this question was our first exchange of words. I had just been introduced to this young woman, and the first thing she said to me was, “What is your position on premarital sex?” What a delightful way to begin a relationship. Actually I was thrilled. I’d much rather wrestle with an important issue than make small talk. And I like a challenge.

What was she expecting me to say? That premarital sex is wrong; that one should wait until marriage. Or that it is fine between consenting adults? I rarely find single sentence answers are adequate for ethical questions. After a long pause, here’s what I said:

The purpose of the spiritual life is to become more alive. (St. Irenaeus in the 2nd century said, “The glory of God is the human person fully alive.”) I try to judge courses of action by whether they will bring me more alive or deaden me. Not by whether they will be fun or easy, but will they bring me more alive. Of course the “me” that needs to become more alive is not my ego or “false self”, but my interior, spiritual self. Will a given course of action bring my true self more alive?

Our sexuality is a lovely gift from God. And sexual intercourse can move us out of ourselves and unite us to another person in a way that is spectacularly beautiful. I can imagine situations in which two people love one another, and are committed to one another to such an extent that sex would bring each of them more alive as it draws them closer together. The couple would not need to be married for this to be true. I can also imagine instances when sex between two people is not life-giving—times when it is cheap, or hurtful or vacuous—times when the sacredness of the act is not sustained by a relationship of mutual love. This deadening sexual act could happen within marriage as well as outside of marriage. Marriage does not guarantee that sexuality always be life giving. But it helps. The commitment to remain together, to love one another during happy and difficult times, or even when the “feeling” of love is gone, that commitment helps create a safe space for sexuality to be freely and safely expressed.

Our sexuality is a precious gift from God. And sex, outside of marriage as well as within marriage, needs to be engaged in lovingly, respectfully and reverently.

My new friend seemed satisfied with my answer. There was much more I could have said about the topic. Like how complicated sexual relationships can get in our materialistic culture where individuality and self-fulfillment trump authentic relationship and the value of self-sacrifice. Perhaps that can be covered in our second conversation.

Blessings,

Brian Baker