Each week the same thing happens to me. I am greeted by Charles or Thomas, two of the custodians who work at Trinity Cathedral, "How are you today Dean?" I respond, "I'm fine Charles (or Thomas). How are you?" "Blessed, Dean Baker, I'm blessed!" And I think to myself, "Why did I settle for fine?"
Why be fine, when I could be blessed? I woke up this morning. Today didn't have to happen for me. But it did. I get to breathe air, eat food. I have people in my life who love me, whom I get to love. And I'm just fine? No, I am Blessed!!!
One of the problems for me is I take the many blessings in my life for granted. The gift of life and the gift of people to love simply become normal. They are the status quo; I no longer notice them.
What I do notice is what I don't have. I don't have a digital SLR camera. I don't have a motorcycle. I know my life would be so much better if only I had these things.
I also notice what I have that I might lose. I bought my house 1 ½ years ago. I'm sure it has lost value. My financial security feels like it is slipping away. And of course, so will my health - if not now, then eventually. It's hard to feel fine, let alone blessed, when life is so precarious.
I get to choose, of course, whether I want to look at my life through the lens of scarcity or abundance. I get to choose to be fine or blessed. But it is difficult in our culture to live in abundance. So many of the messages we receive tell us we either need to buy something new for fulfillment or we need to worry about our health or prosperity slipping away.
I find two spiritual practices helpful in realizing that I am blessed. First is the simple act of gratitude. I am reminded of this whenever Thomas tells me he is blessed. He often adds, "I got out of bed this morning." He reminds me it could have been otherwise. I too got out of bed. I was given the gift of this day. This little nudge from Thomas helps me remember that I'm blessed in many other ways as well. I thank God for this remarkable gift of life.
The other spiritual practice that helps me realize I'm blessed is generosity. For some mystical reason, giving things away, things that I care about, gives me life. It is strange, because our culture tells us we need more to be happy. But living as if my life was abundant, and sharing this abundance with others somehow makes my life more abundant. In being generous, I become more alive. And the voice in my head that tells me I can't be happy unless I have more, is weakened. My blessings increase.
I don't want to be fine anymore. I want to be BLESSED! I'm going to start by changing my response when greeted by others. So if you see me around town, please ask, "How are you?"
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Premarital Sex
“What is your position on premarital sex?” It isn’t like this is a completely unusual question for a priest to be asked. However, this was someone I had never met and who had never been to my church. And this question was our first exchange of words. I had just been introduced to this young woman, and the first thing she said to me was, “What is your position on premarital sex?” What a delightful way to begin a relationship. Actually I was thrilled. I’d much rather wrestle with an important issue than make small talk. And I like a challenge.
What was she expecting me to say? That premarital sex is wrong; that one should wait until marriage. Or that it is fine between consenting adults? I rarely find single sentence answers are adequate for ethical questions. After a long pause, here’s what I said:
The purpose of the spiritual life is to become more alive. (St. Irenaeus in the 2nd century said, “The glory of God is the human person fully alive.”) I try to judge courses of action by whether they will bring me more alive or deaden me. Not by whether they will be fun or easy, but will they bring me more alive. Of course the “me” that needs to become more alive is not my ego or “false self”, but my interior, spiritual self. Will a given course of action bring my true self more alive?
Our sexuality is a lovely gift from God. And sexual intercourse can move us out of ourselves and unite us to another person in a way that is spectacularly beautiful. I can imagine situations in which two people love one another, and are committed to one another to such an extent that sex would bring each of them more alive as it draws them closer together. The couple would not need to be married for this to be true. I can also imagine instances when sex between two people is not life-giving—times when it is cheap, or hurtful or vacuous—times when the sacredness of the act is not sustained by a relationship of mutual love. This deadening sexual act could happen within marriage as well as outside of marriage. Marriage does not guarantee that sexuality always be life giving. But it helps. The commitment to remain together, to love one another during happy and difficult times, or even when the “feeling” of love is gone, that commitment helps create a safe space for sexuality to be freely and safely expressed.
Our sexuality is a precious gift from God. And sex, outside of marriage as well as within marriage, needs to be engaged in lovingly, respectfully and reverently.
My new friend seemed satisfied with my answer. There was much more I could have said about the topic. Like how complicated sexual relationships can get in our materialistic culture where individuality and self-fulfillment trump authentic relationship and the value of self-sacrifice. Perhaps that can be covered in our second conversation.
Blessings,
Brian Baker
What was she expecting me to say? That premarital sex is wrong; that one should wait until marriage. Or that it is fine between consenting adults? I rarely find single sentence answers are adequate for ethical questions. After a long pause, here’s what I said:
The purpose of the spiritual life is to become more alive. (St. Irenaeus in the 2nd century said, “The glory of God is the human person fully alive.”) I try to judge courses of action by whether they will bring me more alive or deaden me. Not by whether they will be fun or easy, but will they bring me more alive. Of course the “me” that needs to become more alive is not my ego or “false self”, but my interior, spiritual self. Will a given course of action bring my true self more alive?
Our sexuality is a lovely gift from God. And sexual intercourse can move us out of ourselves and unite us to another person in a way that is spectacularly beautiful. I can imagine situations in which two people love one another, and are committed to one another to such an extent that sex would bring each of them more alive as it draws them closer together. The couple would not need to be married for this to be true. I can also imagine instances when sex between two people is not life-giving—times when it is cheap, or hurtful or vacuous—times when the sacredness of the act is not sustained by a relationship of mutual love. This deadening sexual act could happen within marriage as well as outside of marriage. Marriage does not guarantee that sexuality always be life giving. But it helps. The commitment to remain together, to love one another during happy and difficult times, or even when the “feeling” of love is gone, that commitment helps create a safe space for sexuality to be freely and safely expressed.
Our sexuality is a precious gift from God. And sex, outside of marriage as well as within marriage, needs to be engaged in lovingly, respectfully and reverently.
My new friend seemed satisfied with my answer. There was much more I could have said about the topic. Like how complicated sexual relationships can get in our materialistic culture where individuality and self-fulfillment trump authentic relationship and the value of self-sacrifice. Perhaps that can be covered in our second conversation.
Blessings,
Brian Baker
Same Sex Marriage
This essay was written for the Sacramento News and Review
Marriage is . . . something more than a civil contract subject to regulation by the state; it is a fundamental right of free men...legislation infringing such rights must be based upon more than prejudice and must be free from oppressive discrimination to comply with the constitutional requirements of due process and equal protection of the laws. – California Supreme Court in a 1948 decision that invalidated laws barring interracial marriage.
If, as the State Supreme Court states, the right to marry the person of one’s choice is a fundamental civil right, on what basis would we deny this right to same-sex couples? Because it is a new idea? Because the concept makes some people uncomfortable? Because it seems to go against the way we thought God has designed the world? These were all arguments used to justify laws against interracial marriage. Fortunately the State Supreme Court saw this prejudice for what it was and led the nation in invalidating laws that barred such marriages.
Now, it seems, history has a chance to repeat itself. The State Supreme Court may be on the verge of invalidating laws that bar same-sex marriages. Not everyone is pleased with this development. I have heard three arguments against same-sex marriage.
First, marriage has traditionally been limited to opposite sex couples. But tradition is poor justification for denying people civil rights. In our past, slavery was our tradition. Same-race marriage was our tradition. Fortunately we have moved beyond these traditions and broadened access to civil rights.
Second, some believe there is a strong religious consensus against same-sex marriage. Even if the Court was to consider religious arguments, which it shouldn’t, there is no religious consensus. I am an Episcopal priest in a congregation that welcomes with open arms people who are gay and lesbian. I believe that anybody willing to commit himself or herself in love to another deserves our support, our respect and our admiration. I believe the state should honor same-sex couples the same way it honors opposite-sex couples. And I am not alone. Over 400 religious leaders in California joined me in signing an amicus brief that stated our support for same-sex marriage.
Third, some argue that same-sex marriage threatens heterosexual marriages and families. How silly. My marriage is not weakened when a gay or lesbian people choose to pledge themselves to one another. It is foolish, as a society, for us to deny marriage to any group of people. Marriage, with its commitment to fidelity and stability, helps society. When two people want to pledge themselves in faithfulness to one another we should celebrate this commitment and honor them with the legal rights and responsibilities of marriage. It shouldn’t matter if the couples are opposite-sex or same-sex. The marriages of same-sex couples will strengthen marriage as a whole, strengthen families and strengthen our society.
60 years ago California led the nation in ending prejudice and allowing interracial couples to marry. We now have the opportunity to bring this same justice to same-sex couples.
Marriage is . . . something more than a civil contract subject to regulation by the state; it is a fundamental right of free men...legislation infringing such rights must be based upon more than prejudice and must be free from oppressive discrimination to comply with the constitutional requirements of due process and equal protection of the laws. – California Supreme Court in a 1948 decision that invalidated laws barring interracial marriage.
If, as the State Supreme Court states, the right to marry the person of one’s choice is a fundamental civil right, on what basis would we deny this right to same-sex couples? Because it is a new idea? Because the concept makes some people uncomfortable? Because it seems to go against the way we thought God has designed the world? These were all arguments used to justify laws against interracial marriage. Fortunately the State Supreme Court saw this prejudice for what it was and led the nation in invalidating laws that barred such marriages.
Now, it seems, history has a chance to repeat itself. The State Supreme Court may be on the verge of invalidating laws that bar same-sex marriages. Not everyone is pleased with this development. I have heard three arguments against same-sex marriage.
First, marriage has traditionally been limited to opposite sex couples. But tradition is poor justification for denying people civil rights. In our past, slavery was our tradition. Same-race marriage was our tradition. Fortunately we have moved beyond these traditions and broadened access to civil rights.
Second, some believe there is a strong religious consensus against same-sex marriage. Even if the Court was to consider religious arguments, which it shouldn’t, there is no religious consensus. I am an Episcopal priest in a congregation that welcomes with open arms people who are gay and lesbian. I believe that anybody willing to commit himself or herself in love to another deserves our support, our respect and our admiration. I believe the state should honor same-sex couples the same way it honors opposite-sex couples. And I am not alone. Over 400 religious leaders in California joined me in signing an amicus brief that stated our support for same-sex marriage.
Third, some argue that same-sex marriage threatens heterosexual marriages and families. How silly. My marriage is not weakened when a gay or lesbian people choose to pledge themselves to one another. It is foolish, as a society, for us to deny marriage to any group of people. Marriage, with its commitment to fidelity and stability, helps society. When two people want to pledge themselves in faithfulness to one another we should celebrate this commitment and honor them with the legal rights and responsibilities of marriage. It shouldn’t matter if the couples are opposite-sex or same-sex. The marriages of same-sex couples will strengthen marriage as a whole, strengthen families and strengthen our society.
60 years ago California led the nation in ending prejudice and allowing interracial couples to marry. We now have the opportunity to bring this same justice to same-sex couples.
Forgiveness
This essay was recently published in the Sacramento News and Review
Tariq Khamisa, a 20 year old college student was delivering pizzas when he was confronted by a 14 year-old boy. The boy, Tony Hicks, demanded a pizza. When Tariq refused, Tony shot him in the chest. Tariq died in the delivery car.
This past weekend, at the Sun Valley Spiritual Film Festival, I met Tariq’s father, Azim. Listening to him was a remarkable experience. After learning of his son’s death, Azim spent time in meditation. Informed by his Moslem faith, he realized that he had to forgive Tony. He knew that for his own sake, he needed to let go of his resentment and anger toward Tony. He also realized that Tony was a victim. He decided to fight, not against Tony, but against the influences that led Tony to do what he did. Azim met with Tony’s grandfather and guardian, Ples. Azim, a Muslim, asked Ples, a Christian, to work with him to end the escalating spiral of youth violence. For over 10 years now, they have been teaching forgiveness and nonviolence in schools.
Azim and Ples are featured in the film, “The Power of Forgiveness.” Prior to its television debut, this film is being shown in a few select locations, including Blacksburg, Virginia, the home of Virginia Tech. The film features Thich Nhat Hanh, Desmond Tutu, Marianne Williamson and other spiritual leaders. It also highlights the struggle to forgive embodied by the Amish community that was recently devastated by a mass murder in an Amish school.
When watching the film this past weekend, I realized that forgiveness is a learned skill. And that for many of us is not learned well. We don’t really understand forgiveness. Many of us think that if we forgive somebody, we must refrain from punishing or we must allow the other to continue to harm us. Or we think we must forget the infraction.
From a spiritual perspective, forgiveness is an internal act on the part of someone who feels they have been wronged. When I forgive someone, I say no to the voice inside of me that screams for retaliation. I strive to let go of the anger and resentment I hold toward them. And I refuse to look at them solely through the lens of how they have wronged me. To withhold forgiveness, to harbor anger, is like drinking poison in the hope that the other would be harmed. It only hurts me.
We desperately need to learn and practice forgiveness. We need to learn to respond non-violently in our increasingly violent world. We are fortunate to have models of forgiveness like Azim Khamisa. I am grateful for our religious traditions that teach forgiveness. And I am grateful that I belong to a religious community that is a lovely training ground for forgiveness.
Tariq Khamisa, a 20 year old college student was delivering pizzas when he was confronted by a 14 year-old boy. The boy, Tony Hicks, demanded a pizza. When Tariq refused, Tony shot him in the chest. Tariq died in the delivery car.
This past weekend, at the Sun Valley Spiritual Film Festival, I met Tariq’s father, Azim. Listening to him was a remarkable experience. After learning of his son’s death, Azim spent time in meditation. Informed by his Moslem faith, he realized that he had to forgive Tony. He knew that for his own sake, he needed to let go of his resentment and anger toward Tony. He also realized that Tony was a victim. He decided to fight, not against Tony, but against the influences that led Tony to do what he did. Azim met with Tony’s grandfather and guardian, Ples. Azim, a Muslim, asked Ples, a Christian, to work with him to end the escalating spiral of youth violence. For over 10 years now, they have been teaching forgiveness and nonviolence in schools.
Azim and Ples are featured in the film, “The Power of Forgiveness.” Prior to its television debut, this film is being shown in a few select locations, including Blacksburg, Virginia, the home of Virginia Tech. The film features Thich Nhat Hanh, Desmond Tutu, Marianne Williamson and other spiritual leaders. It also highlights the struggle to forgive embodied by the Amish community that was recently devastated by a mass murder in an Amish school.
When watching the film this past weekend, I realized that forgiveness is a learned skill. And that for many of us is not learned well. We don’t really understand forgiveness. Many of us think that if we forgive somebody, we must refrain from punishing or we must allow the other to continue to harm us. Or we think we must forget the infraction.
From a spiritual perspective, forgiveness is an internal act on the part of someone who feels they have been wronged. When I forgive someone, I say no to the voice inside of me that screams for retaliation. I strive to let go of the anger and resentment I hold toward them. And I refuse to look at them solely through the lens of how they have wronged me. To withhold forgiveness, to harbor anger, is like drinking poison in the hope that the other would be harmed. It only hurts me.
We desperately need to learn and practice forgiveness. We need to learn to respond non-violently in our increasingly violent world. We are fortunate to have models of forgiveness like Azim Khamisa. I am grateful for our religious traditions that teach forgiveness. And I am grateful that I belong to a religious community that is a lovely training ground for forgiveness.
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